The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
just had a super intense, drunken debate about which blink182 member is the most fuckable. i got so mad i left the room. new low.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
