just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
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