She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
