i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
