fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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