dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
And then he peed in my hair
Randomize
