I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
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