wanna go halves on a baby?
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
