why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
