Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
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