Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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