these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
