He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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