remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
