Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
