grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
