Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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