Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
Randomize
