I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
