I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
votings over. no more wacking it to anti christine o'donnell ads
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Randomize
