got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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