just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Randomize
