Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
he wants to bone in the snuggie
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
