I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
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