My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Randomize
