a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
