apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
Randomize
