I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
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