And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
