"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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