so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Randomize
