dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
this boner is exhausting
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
