Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
