I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
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