You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
