I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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