It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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