Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Randomize
