I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Randomize
