it felt great physically, but AWFUL morally.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
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