just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Randomize
