My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
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