i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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