Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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