he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
