I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Randomize
