i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
