God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
