eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
