i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
